The essence of Buddhism: Not "vast amphibians." Just FYI.

Biff had an awesome hat.

Biff had a menorah.

Biff had a kitchen full of smoke because Biff couldn't cook latkes.

Happy Hanukkah, housemates!

[OOC: Open for housemates if you love the SP. A house with an infant, a toddler, and a neurotic dog has made life interesting this week...]

Biff had planned on his normal Friday night routine of a bacon sandwich and hitting the mainland bars.

That had changed abruptly when, halfway down the stairs, he'd turned into a bunny.

Again.

So now his plans were to hide under the sofa until he changed back. He didn't care if it took days, dammit.

Biff was in a fantastic mood today. The shine was shining, the birds were chirping, yadda, yadda.

It was <a href="http://internationalbaconday.blogspot.com/>International Bacon Day</a>, the Greatest Holiday Ever. Which was why Biff was in the kitchen, making enough bacon to give <I>everyone</i> in the house cardiac arrest. <small>[OOC: Establishy. ZOMG Bacon Day.]

Biff gleefully bounced down the stairs (mostly to watch the new and extremely excellent parts of himself also bounce) and into the kitchen.

Mmm, bacon sandwiches and coffee. "Barney!" he finally called out. "Get your butt down here. Do you have a rack today too?"

[OOC: Open to hoooousemates.]

Okay, the date with Nancy had been kind of a bust. Biff could only go on for so long spinning his web of lies about his vast riches and his deeply dim imaginary cousin who was graduating tomorrow.

Nancy--he didn't catch her last name--was hot, but kind of--what's the word?--mean. And it wasn't like he was planning on going to the graduation ceremony tomorrow anyway.

...and he was secretly dying to see if the Naked Man move Barney had mentioned yesterday would work.

Which was why he was stripping down to nothing at all before Nancy came back from whatever it was she was getting--ice? soda? another woman? Biff hadn't been paying attention--and calling his best friend on his cell phone.

[OOC: For Barney, then Nancy. Mwaha.]

Biff held up his sixth? seventh? twelfth? glass of Manischewitz and grinned blearily over at Loki.

"Thanks for not destroying the Chosen People, dude," he said.

Passover was a lot different with an angel who'd been there.

[OOC: For the angel!]

One minute Biff had been happily toasting Pop-Tarts for dinner. Shut up, it was totally nutritious and went great with cheap beer.

The next he was many feet shorter, covered in fur, and wishing he had some lettuce nearby.

He was a bunny. With big, twitchy ears.

Biff hated everything.

[OOC: Mostly establishy, unless you want to see if a rabbit can open a door...]

Okay, the night with Loki had been a bust and the doctor at the clinic, while very polite, hadn't given Biff exactly the answer he'd been looking for.

It was time for Drastic Measures. Biff picked up the phone and hit 69 on his speed dial.

[OOC: for that guy.]

Biff had beer. And toast. And popcorn. And other things that could be made in a microwave or a toaster. Biff was not a chef, at all. He watched the Food Network for the girls. Well, not Rachael Ray--Barney had set him straight on that--but the other girls.

And it wasn't like he was trying to fucking impress Loki or anything. It was Loki. You couldn't impress him.

Well...maybe the porn collection would impress him.

Biff had fairly specific ideas of what a night in would entail: getting pissed and watching porn.

[OOC: For that guy.]

Biff was totally, totally fine with clothing disappearing. He'd tried to institute naked dinners at the house, after all.

And it wasn't like it was a first date with Daisy.

Still. He did wish he had a little more to wear than a towel and a smile as he set up the living room for movie night with Really Terrible Action Flicks.

[OOC: Expecting the one!]

Biff was in the living room surrounded by empty cartons of Chinese food and more empty beer bottles that could be considered strictly healthy.

He glanced over towards the nativity scene he'd put out--missing an angel on the roof and with helpful notes on each of the Magi denoting just how dumb he thought each of them had been on a scale of one to ten.

The baby in the manager had his own bottle of beer. Biff felt Josh would have approved.

"I know this isn't really your birthday," he told it, "but explaining that to an entire planet is way more work than I'm willing to put in. So forget it." He held up his bottle towards the ceiling. "Happy birthday, Josh. I still miss you."

Biff had shoved all the porn under the bed cleaned the house, defrosted stuff made beautiful appetizers, and bought a lot of booze bought a lot of booze.

He's also cranked the heat, way, way up. It was a housewarming after all. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and already starting to sweat a bit.

It would only get worse as more people arrived. Which was kind of the point.

Biff was in the kitchen cooking dinner for his date with Daisy.

If by "cooking" you meant "making toast."

All those hours spent watching Food Network were really paying off. Yup.

[OOC: for le date!]

All of the women in town--married, single, didn't matter--would find an invitation to a party tomorrow left in their mailboxes sometime Thursday afternoon.

Funny how the only guys invited were Loki and Bond. Well, not terribly. Biff liked to stack the odds in his favor.

[OOC: Open if people want to RSVP. If not, totally 'stablishy.]

After Biff returned home from work, he dragged a couple of tables, all of Vala and Barney's wedding gifts and some of their regular stuff (not Barney's suits, though. Biff wanted to live), and set up a giant sign in the lawn.

GARAGE SALE: EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!
DISCOUNTS FOR HOT WOMEN

Take that, Barney and Vala!

[OOC: Barney and Vala's stuff being sold off with permission. Feel free to mod what you're finding--a lot of housewares, scotch-related paraphenalia, and books on sex would be typical...]

Biff was at the desk industriously writing down a list of items that he had particularly liked from Barney and Vala's stash of gifts.

He figured they could make their way into his room while someone wasn't looking.

Mwahaha.

The Arms was open.

Biff was lounging on the sofa catching up on his Food Network shows when Raziel appeared in the room, the glory of the Lord shining around him, and lo, was he pissed.

"You were not in Las Vegas, Levi who is called Biff," he said.

Biff looked at the angel, remembered his conversation with Loki, and put a lampshade over his head.

"Biff isn't here," he said. "This is a lamp."

Raziel frowned. "That is not a lamp."

"It is."

...This was going to go on for a bit.

Biff opened up the front door, dropped his bags onto the ground with a thump and hollered "I'm baaaaaaaack!" in the general direction of the stairs.

It had only taken two days of traveling and a missed connection out of Frankfurt, but Biff was finally back in Fandom.

After Biff's final tour of the day (turns out people will believe anything if you say it in an Authoritative Tour Guide Voice, which explained the hordes of slightly dim Americans searching for the Cathedral of the Holy Spaghetti Monster after they'd spent the day with Biff) and sending the girl who'd expressed interest in seeing his "Ark of the Covenant" on her way (he'd taken her outside his apartment, spun her around a few times and then hid), he grabbed a stack of postcards and began writing to the fine folks in Fandom.

( Read more... )

Biff was in his office packing up his extensive collection of sacrilegious memorabilia and humming to himself. He could eat bread again <i>and</i> he was going to spend the summer in Jerusalem screwing with tourists.

Hopefully in all senses of the word.

The door was open.

[OOC: For SP until I get back from work yay!]